International Forecaster Weekly

It’s Good To Be King (of Thailand)

Long live the King! And long live all the royal superhumans remaining on this planet who are so evidently better than us mere commoners!

Asia Thailand

James Corbett | August 24, 2019

Did you catch the video that made the rounds recently showing Thai King Maha Vajiralongkorn (reigning title: Phrabat Somdet Phra Vajira Klao Chao Yu Hua, but we'll just call him by the simpler title Rama X) promoting his girlfriend to "Royal Noble Consort"? You know, the video where Major-General Sineenat Wongvajirapakdi lay completely prostrate at the monarch's feet, gratefully accepting royal baubles and trinkets from her master like an obedient dog?

No no no, not the video from this past May where he promoted his top bodyguard to be his new queen in a ceremony that involved her lying completely prostrate at the monarch's feet, gratefully accepting royal baubles and trinkets from her master like an obedient dog. That's an entirely different video.

But either way, I think we can all agree that King Rama X is a super cool dude and that it's a great thing that he and his fourth wife and his official mistress are the rulers of Thailand. Lone live the King.

Oh, and by the way, apropos of nothing in particular—just as an aside, really—did you know that it's illegal to insult the King of Thailand? I mean, it's not just frowned upon, but actually literally illegal? Well, it is!

That's right, according to Section 112 of the Thai Criminal Code, "Whoever, defames, insults or threatens the King, the Queen, the Heir-apparent or the Regent, shall be punished with imprisonment of three to fifteen years."

And did you further know that this isn't just one of those "it's illegal to let your chicken cross the road" laws that are still technically on the books but haven't been prosecuted for centuries? In fact, people are prosecuted all the time for having the audacity to insult His Royal Highness and the various members of the royal family, living or dead, human or non-human. And well they should be, the cretins!

Like that dastardly university professor (name withheld by the Thai court) who expressed the vile, contemptible opinion that "people should live in freedom unlike society in the past." As Thailand's Supreme Court sensibly decided, this thoughtcrime is an insult to King Rama IV (under whom slavery was allowed).

Or the unemployed blind woman who was sentenced to 1.5 years in prison for . . . well, we don't know. After all, it would be illegal for a news outlet in Thailand to even print whatever it is she said to defame or insult His Royal Highness so we'll just have to speculate that it was something really mean and nasty.

And while the language of Section 112 doesn't specifically prohibit insulting the King's dog, please note that that is definitely a no-no, too, and you'll end up facing jail time if you try it. It's still unclear whether the King's girlfriend is afforded the same legal protection from insult as the King's dog, but I can confirm that any YouTuber who criticize the Princess' fashion design skills will indeed be arrested.

Yes, like all the other families that claim to have a special right to rule over the plebs of their kingdom because of the special human-ruling blood flowing through their veins, the Thai royals are the rightful rulers of the geographic location currently known as Thailand. And while it may seem odd to you that this special human-ruling power seems to end precisely at the man-made, arbitrary geographical boundaries of the country, I advise you to not think too deeply about that phenomenon as you may very well end up in prison for committing a heinous thoughtcrime.

Now, some of you may be tempted to look into what I've said about royalty in the past. You know, like my pronouncement in "How To Be Rich and Own People" that the very idea of royalty:

"is inherently offensive, and has been since the dawn of recorded history, when the Emperors of old were literally worshiped as gods on earth. It was offensive when the emperors were downgraded to kings and queens and were said to have the 'divine right' to rule over their subjects. It was offensive when 'Sir' Francis Galton (Fellow of the Royal Society, naturally) coined the pseudoscience of eugenics and converted the divine right of rule from 'royal blood' to 'royal genes.' It is offensive today, when we are still expected to believe that there is any use or value in the concept of a special, protected family who must be venerated, protected and celebrated for the fact of merely existing."

But please do not do that. I wouldn't want the Thai King or his police henchmen to get the wrong impression. After all, this is the superior human being and all-around cool dude who rocks a crop top while closing off an entire shopping mall so he can strut around with one of his many girlfriends. I mean, how cool is that?

It is rather strange that the Thai government blocked the video from the Thai internet, though. Don't they want the Thai people to see how awesome this god-on-earth is, and how much he totally deserves to rule over them? But who am I to question the wisdom of the Thai censors, who clearly know more about these things than a dumb commoner like myself? All I know is that the censors do a great job overall, and they've been doing even more of that great job since the totally rad (and royal-endorsed!) 2014 military coup brought in martial law to impose peace, order and sunshine on Thailand.

Yes, indeed. Thailand is bright and sunny and awesome, and the future only looks brighter with a wise benevolent dictator in a position of power bestowing honors on his girlfriends (oops, I mean "consorts") and throwing people in jail for disagreeing with him.

Long live the King! And long live all the royal superhumans remaining on this planet who are so evidently better than us mere commoners!